In A Funk - Long Post - Day 11

Hello, dolls! How are you all? I'm sorry I've been MIA again. I've been in a funk (a.k.a. a bit depressed) lately. I'm not entirely sure why. I'm in the mood to spill my guts. Probably not the best thing to do, but its the kind of therapy I need right now. So here goes:

Part of my funk has to do with finances. I'm super poor right now and my student loans just started coming due. I'm freaking out. I'm taking on another part-time job in order to cover some of the bills I have due. I just can't let them slide like I used to. I was such an idiot financially in college. I didn't take responsibility for my bills and, as a result, I was constantly late and even defaulted on some of them. I probably would've been more OK with that had my mom not been a co-signer/cardholder on most of those accounts. Not only did I screw myself, but I screwed my mom over, too. Ugh. Disappointing.

Another thing that I've been down on myself about is my body. I've had the worst eating habits forever and God have I gotten big as a result. I do have a health disorder that contributes to my being overweight, so I can't take all the blame, but I certainly take most. For the 11th day of the challenge, I'm supposed to post a picture of something that I hate. I'm going to do something I REALLY don't want to do - the unthinkable. I'm going to post a picture of me in a bra and underwear to show you why I get down on myself.

Honestly, I know I'm overweight. I convince myself, however, that "I'm not really THAT fat." Ugh. I want to be at a point where I don't need any convincing. I used to be in way better shape. I was captain of my swim team, swam in freezing cold water early in the morning, walked, played, was just active. Now I'm quite sedentary. I still try to get exercise in with my dog or walk around my job as much as I can. Its hard, though, because for the most part I'm stuck behind a counter. I'm not trying to make excuses; these are truths. I know that I'm the only one who can change myself.

Until now, I've lacked a lot of motivation. My wonderful boyfriend has always been amazingly supportive and has told me that he will back me up 100% no matter how I look or what I want to do. God love him. I have been trying to eat healthier. I've been starting to cook - wait, I can cook?! Yes, I learned miraculously that I am a pretty decent cook. No one has gotten sick or even spit out my food. A-MA-ZING. I always knew that I could bake (I'm really good at it), but cooking was a scary realm to me...until I tried it. As it turns out, I love finding ways to incorporate more vegetables into my diet, different things to cook for my boyfriend, and tasty dinners for my mom and I. I'm so proud of myself.

I've been cooking for about two weeks and in the past few days I've had three people tell me I look slimmer. I feel great. So I think that I've finally found my motivation to lose the weight: I want to have a healthy lifestyle, I want to feel better, I want to have healthy babies, and my goodness do I want to fit into better clothes. I'm posting this picture because I think its finally time that I step up and face facts. I'm not thin, I haven't been for a while, and the only way I will be is if I take responsibility for myself. But in order to do that, I really have to admit to myself that I'm...yikes...F-A-T FAT.

WARNING: If the sight of a scantily-dressed overweight person freaks you out, stop reading. If not, read on. I mean, sorry I'm doing this in my (*gasp* mismatched) undies, but I can't be afraid to face reality. So here it is on day 11 of my 30-day challenge:

Apparently this is me "slimmer"?! What the hell did I look like before?

I don't really look that heavy, right? False. I don't know what its like to have my thighs not touch. They don't just touch, they rub together. I've even found holes in my pants where they've worn out because of my thighs. I don't wear just a tank top or a sleeveless shirt because my arms are like batwings. They aren't supposed to wave back when I wave, right? And my stomach. My poor, poor stomach. I used to have a flat one and even had a four-pack/six-pack. No longer. Now its just flab. Muffins are OK. Muffin tops are NOT OK. Even my fingers and toes are fat. So sad. Like little sausages.

I'm sorry to say these negative things. I honestly believe that women of all shapes and sizes are amazing and beautiful. I truly do. I just know that my body doesn't feel good at all anymore. Its sick of carrying around more weight than it should for my frame. I'm only 5'4" and am broad-shouldered, but I have short legs and a short torso. I should weigh about 130 to be at a healthy BMI. I'm not ready to admit how far over that I am, but its a substantial amount. Grr.

Well, honestly, having a picture of me looking my worst readily available on the internet should be some motivation to get a better one up, right? I plan to work hard to be fit and healthy, not just look better. I really want to FEEL it.

I do apologize for subjecting you all to my ranting and raving. If you read this whole post, thank you. I hope that you'll all support me in my endeavor to overcome my own craziness. I'm off to bed. I'm on call until 7:30 tomorrow morning so I need some sleep. Night, dolls!

Lots of love!

XoXo,
Lexi